hindsight is 20/20...

the other night in church, we were talking about forgiveness. i used to think forgiveness came easily to me, but in the last year, i've learned that i pretty much suck at forgiveness.

there are people and hurts in my life that i'm not sure i even know how to forgive (or want to...to be honest). it feels a long way off.

then we were singing a song about grace and i began thinking that i don't even know how to accept grace. i don't even know the words needed to describe how broken and messed up and confused and dismembered i feel. i don't know how to identify where i'm broken, where i sin, what needs to change. my heart and life just feel like a huge mess and i'm drowning in it.

then i began to think back to when i was younger. i've been warned not to long for my faith to be like it once was...because i look back so fondly on how i "used to" connect to and relate to the Lord.

everything felt neater and clearer then, i thought...more manageable.

and then it hit me...

ohhh....manageable.

that's an interesting word.

it dawned on me that in my younger faith, i used to be able to identify the weak and sinful parts of my life and where i needed help...which areas i needed Jesus to work on with me. i knew where i was okay and where i wasn't. everything had its place...which is great for someone with a nearly OCD brain. everything in its place...

and then i realized, that everything felt "manageable" because i was managing it. "I" was in control. "I" had things under control. I knew what went where and why and why I did what I did and didn't do what I didn't. It was a good, neat system...it's just that I was running it, not the Lord.

so here i am now...eight or so years later. i'm a mess. feeling far from God. feeling out of control. drowning in my weakness. angry. bitter. jaded. depressed. aimless. hopeless. lost.

yet part of me is beginning to wonder...

maybe this is what maturity looks like?

i feel like i'm farther from God, but maybe i'm actually getting closer to "getting it?"

this sucks. it's hard. i've never struggled so much in my life or been so broken and so close to quitting...

but maybe that's what happens when God finally gets a hold of you and teaches you how to die to self.

i'm not interested in the lesson or the process, but maybe in His grace, God's gonna do it anyway.

maybe it actually is what i've been praying for...

and the answer is pissing me off.

damnit.

make all things new...

i went for walk this morning in the rain. i was only walking, but it felt like dancing.

it felt like freedom. the world closed in around me. my heart found space for revelation.

tears find a home in the rain. numbered with thousands like themselves, they feel safe and disguised.

i realized that one cannot move to a new place and still live by the rules of the old place.
new country. new way of living.

as the wind picked up and crossed my face, i felt the Lord say, "i hear you."

three words i've needed to hear for so long.

"i hear you."

i discovered that the experience and comfort of rain coming to rest is magnified when facing upward. hardly a coincidence.

let my eyes not fail...

death to analysis. (thank you, brennan manning.)

"'Cease striving and know that I am God.'
Psalm 46:10

...I've decided that if I had my life to live over again, I would not only climb more mountains, swim more rivers, and watch more sunsets...I would not only go barefoot earlier in the spring and stay out later in the fall; but i would devote not one more minute to monitoring my spiritual growth. No, not one.

...In retrospect, my ponderous ponderings on the purgative, illuminative, and unitive stages of my spiritual life, my assiduous search for shortcuts to holiness, my preoccupation with my spiritual pulse and my fasts, mortifications, and penances have wrought pseudobliss and the egregious delusion that I was securely ensconced in the seventh mansion of spiritual perfection.

What would I actually do if I had it to do all over again?
...I would simply do the next thing in love."

rather than fretting over unemployment, trying to work out all of the spiritual snags in my life and asking God repetitively what's next...i think i'll make this my new anthem.

i just want to "be" and tell Jesus that i'm available...to do whatever, whenever. and whatever it is, to do it in love.

i might just die...

i subscribe to daily emails from apartmenttherapy.com. today's house tour caused my jaw to drop to the floor in awe and envy.

as far as design goes, i have loved mid-century for a long time, but my love for forms of art deco is growing. this is a remarkable art deco loft in the even more remarkable Eastern Columbia building in downtown L.A.

check it out...
the Eastern Columbia Building






and here is the link to the slideshow of the loft...
Jeremy's Tinseltown Time Capsule







yeah...i would live there...

a story about moving on...

you know, it's funny...we never hear from the Lord the way we expect to.

i've been praying for about 2-3 years now about my job. should i stay? should i go? am i just burned out? is my heart moving on? i've asked the Lord more questions that i can count...and He has been silent.

all of the voices in your life can share their opinions, but none of it feels right until you hear from the Lord. about a month ago, i decided to let it go. just focus on spending time with Him, rather than looking for answers.

and still He was silent...
until last Wednesday.

here's the story:

on my morning walk, i passed a woman walking her dog who said a friendly, "Good Morning!" to me. without thinking, i responded "Good Morning! How are you?" and we exchanged a few more pleasantries.

simple enough...but i'm not normally so outgoing with strangers. i'm not so good at taking risks, period, whether social or otherwise. and so, these simple events led me down a train of thought which resulted in some pretty big revelations from the Lord.

i started thinking about the fact that i never take risks anymore. i never put myself in situations where i hear the Lord asking me to do something and i'm faced with a choice to step out in faith and trust Him. in fact, i don't really have to trust the Lord for much of anything these days! my life is pretty safe and easy.

ew. safe? easy? not words i like!
they're akin to "complacent" "status quo" "mediocre" "lukewarm" "stuck."

yup...stuck. that's exactly how i've felt for a long while now...
i hate being safe and complacent.
that's not how i grow and learn. i grow from being challenged.

i was utterly irritated at the realization and so i shouted to the Lord...

"I DON'T WANT TO LIVE SAFE ANYMORE!!!"
and then i began to cry and said,
"but i'm scared of what that means!"

(two contrasting feelings, accompanied by tears and a great sense of peace and purpose. yup...sounds like Jesus.)

i think a big part of the recent distance i feel from the Lord is my lack of need to trust Him. life is pretty routine, easy...and so i struggle with faithlessness, dissatisfaction.

then i realized...
probably the biggest "safe" area in my life is my job.

i've thought about moving on for awhile, but i've been too afraid to take the risk and make a change. and so i sit...in my dissatisfaction...i sit. and i wonder why my heart is imploding...

what did Jesus say to His disciples? He told them to leave everything and "follow Him." He asks us to lay down our security and follow Him...for GOOD reason! HE wants to provide our security!! He wants us to learn to trust HIM...not ourselves!

we make ourselves SO busy trying to make sure our ducks are in a row and that we're taken care of. it's a cultural disease...WE go crazy trying to take care of ourselves. where is Jesus in that?

i'm SICK of living that way!

so, the risky option before me was to resign from my safe job and put myself in a position (unemployed in this horrific economy) where I HAVE to trust the Lord each day.

it felt scary to me...but if felt SO much better and more ME.

i have been afraid to "run away" from ministry...i wanted to have a job to "run to." but my mistake was this...i thought this whole process was about my job. it's not. it's about my way of life! it's about my relationship with Jesus.

i think Jesus cares a lot less about what we "do" and a lot more about our dependence on Him.

so, this whole process hasn't been about finding my calling after all...it's been about learning to trust again. and lean. and depend.

like i said...God never speaks the way we expect Him to, but i think He does that so we KNOW when it's Him.

i KNOW i heard the Lord. i have been hungry to hear for so long...and nothing feels better.

so what's it all mean?

it means that as of May 15th, i am leaving my position with Southern California Youth For Christ. i have been with YFC for eight years, and it's been a good run...but it's time for something new. at least for now.

i would seriously love all of your prayers as i begin this crazy journey. closing things up. embracing unemployment. seeking the Lord's face. and waiting to hear from Him.

i don't know what's next...
and I LOVE IT!

:)

Easter Sunday :: The Day Worth Waiting For...

this is the day.

this is the point.

everything made new.

the beginning of restoring God's creation back to its intended state.

i love that after Jesus rose from the dead
He appeared personally to all of those He was closest to.

i think this was for two reasons:
1) to let them know He was alive and fulfilled what His promise.
2) to let them know the message of the kingdom was now theirs to carry.

to show His love for them and to comission them...to pass the torch.

this day is so full of beauty.
all hope fulfilled.
all love expressed.
all sin erased.
all life made new.
all truth entrusted to us.

it's a day the Father showed us how much He wants to pour into us
and how much He wants to do through us.

we are brand new each day.
we are loved beyond belief.
we are entrusted with the most important message ever known.

may we wake up every day knowing these things,
believing them,
and living them.

not just today.
but every day.

we have the opportunity to celebrate Easter in the way we
love Jesus and love others every day of our lives.

re-thinking the Gospel.
re-grasping grace.
re-absorbing love.
re-realizing our call.
re-volutionizing the world.

thank You...

THANK YOU.

Passion Week :: Saturday

interesting...nothing is said in scripture about the saturday between Good Friday and Easter. it only says that the women rested on the sabbath as they were supposed to.

so, what happened on saturday?
the jews thought they'd killed off a threat :: relief, success, victory...
the disciples saw their hope die on a cross :: confusion, discouragement, frustration, sadness...
and what about Jesus? was He just dead and buried? did He literally go to hell and back?

one thing is certain...for those who witnessed and heard about the crucifixion,
saturday, the sabbath, was a day to be alone with their thoughts.
it's crazy to imagine what went through their heads.

what about us? where are we at on this saturday?

to be honest, i'm in a pretty strange place.

i really wanted to reflect this holy week,
to examine my heart,
to experience the death and resurrection of Jesus in a personal, emotional way.

such has not been the case.
i left Good Friday service last night feeling conflicted, left out, lost, sad, frustrated, calloused.

as this week unfolded, instead of my heart becoming more soft,
it has seemingly become more cold, more divided.

the more i try to wrap my mind around what Jesus did for us and who He was...
the harder time i'm having with the concept of Jesus being a real person.
every picture we have of him, whether in still or motion, has fallen short.
he is either too serious, too silly, too intense, too laughable...and altogether unbelievable.
as a visual person, i feel like i need an image of Him in my mind and heart,
but i'm drawing a blank.

i just can't imagine what Jesus, considering all of who He was, was really like.
i know He was real...but He doesn't feel like He could have been real.

what would i have thought about Him if i had beheld Him in person?

i hate that my heart feels divided and distant this Easter.
i wish i knew why.
i wish i could fix it.
i wish i could have felt tears on my cheeks and contrition in my heart
like so many at the service last night...
but i didn't.

i don't know why.
i wish i did.
but the beautiful thing is,
i don't have to.

because, regardless of where my heart is at,
Jesus still died for me.
and that covers everything.

even my calloused heart.

falling short every time...
gives me more reason to be thankful,
rather than less.

rethinking brokenness.
wanting to reexperience Jesus.
thank You for your sacrifice.
thank You for this saturday to be alone with our thoughts.
thank You for going to hell and back.

it is finished.

thank You.

Passion Week :: Good Friday

on this friday, we see Jesus put on a cross.
accusations hurled at Him, He says nothing.

when i think of Jesus on the cross, i think of Him as God.
but this is the day we should most be aware of His humanity.
they say 100% God, 100% man.

was He at war within Himself?
was His whole being surrendered to the Father?
what thoughts entered His head?

we saw Him, tormented in the garden. He asked His Father
to take this cup from Him, and then, conversely, surrenders His will.

we can imagine Him taking on this task as God...
but what about as a man?

putting myself in His shoes...
having insults hurled at me...
accusations i was innocent of...
being found guilty of everyone else's sin but my own...

i can't imagine resisting the urge to defend myself.
resisting the urge to set the record straight.
resisting the urge to point the finger at everyone else!

i am tempted to defend myself daily...
and i give in. i point the finger at others.
in the smallest, most insignificant situations.
i can't imagine the temptation on that friday.

can we imagine putting those who hate us
before ourselves in that situation?

they tempted Him...

"Save yourself! If you're really God's Son,
come down from that cross!"
...We'll ALL become believers then!"

and He could have.
He could have chosen "now" over "eternal"
but He didn't.

"He was beaten, he was tortured, but he didn't say a word.
Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered and like a sheep being sheared,
he took it all in silence.
Justice miscarried, and he was led off—
and did anyone really know what was happening?
He died without a thought for his own welfare,
beaten bloody for the sins of my people.
They buried him with the wicked, threw him in a grave with a rich man,
Even though he'd never hurt a soul or said one word that wasn't true.

Out of that terrible travail of soul,
he'll see that it's worth it and be glad he did it.
Through what he experienced, my righteous one, my servant,
will make many "righteous ones,"
as he himself carries the burden of their sins.
Therefore I'll reward him extravagantly—
the best of everything, the highest honors—
Because he looked death in the face and didn't flinch,
because he embraced the company of the lowest.
He took on his own shoulders the sin of the many,
he took up the cause of all the black sheep."

our Savior is THE picture of a man, perfectly surrendered to His God.
it makes what He did for us all the more incredible.

i stand in awe.

"But Jesus, with a loud cry, gave his last breath...
When the Roman captain standing guard in front of Him
saw that He had quit breathing, he said,
"This has to be the Son of God!"

rethinking Good Friday.
rethinking the Gospel.
rethinking surrender.
rethinking His sacrifice.
thank You.

Passion Week :: Thursday

thursday was a big day. the last supper. garden of gethsemane. the capture and death sentence of Jesus.

imagine...being in HIS shoes...

"one of you is going to hand Me over to the conspirators,
one who at this moment is eating with Me."

"this is My body...this is My blood."

"this very night, you will deny Me three times..."

"He plunged into a sinkhole of agony. He told them, I feel bad
enough right now to die. Stay here and keep vigil with Me."

"Going a little ahead, He prayed for a way out: 'Papa, Father,
You can-can't You?-get Me out of this! Take this cup away from me.
But please, not what I want-what do You want?'"

"He came back and found them asleep...'Simon, you went to sleep
on me? Can't you stick it out with me a single hour?'"

"Judas...showed up, and with him a gang of ruffians...
brandishing swords and clubs....
he went straight to Jesus...
the others then grabbed Him and roughed Him up."

"all the disciples cut and ran..."

"they condemned Him, one and all. the sentence: death.
some of them started spitting at Him."

"Peter got really nervous and swore, "I never laid eyes on this man
you're talking about." Just then the rooster crowed a second time.
Peter remembered how Jesus had said, 'Before a rooster crows twice,
you'll deny me three times...'"

can you imagine?
despair.
loneliness.
betrayed.
abandoned by everyone He loved...
His followers.
His disciples.
His closest friends...
even His Father turned His eyes away...

completely alone in the world.
condemned to death.
heavy-laden.
the sheer weight of it all!
carrying the weight of the world's sin on his shoulders.

"He was looked down on and passed over,
a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.
One look at him and people turned away.
We looked down on him, thought he was scum.
But the fact is, it was our pains he carried—
our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.
We thought he brought it on himself,
that God was punishing him for his own failures.
But it was our sins that did that to him,
that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!
He took the punishment, and that made us whole.
Through his bruises we get healed.
We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost.
We've all done our own thing, gone our own way.
And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong,
on him, on him."

can you imagine?

it's been said that Jesus didn't die from physical wounds,
but of a broken heart.

i believe it.


not only did i spit on You,
turn away from You,
deny You,
and run from You...
but You bore my burden, on top of it all...

and You did...
because of the joy set before You...
because of Your love for Your creation...
for us.

rethinking the Gospel.
rethinking what You went through for us.
thank You.

Passion Week :: Wednesday

on wednesday of passion week, we find Jesus eating at Simon the Leper’s house. Mark 14.

a woman enters and pours a very expensive bottle of perfume on Jesus’ head. again, we see someone sacrificing…giving everything she had. it was likely the most valuable thing she owned.

an act of love.
an act of adoration.
an act of intimacy.

some of the guests were enraged. what a waste! that perfume could fetch a year’s worth of wages for the poor!

Jesus rebukes them and edifies the woman for her wonderful act of love.

this was the final straw for Judas. he couldn’t take this guy anymore. he marched right over to the priests to betray the One who loved him most.


AND SO…where do we find ourselves on this wednesday of passion week?

to be honest, i have a hard time imagining myself this intimate with Jesus. the thought of it makes me uncomfortable. i feel the same way about another story...the woman who wiped her tears from Jesus’ feet with her hair.

regardless of why i feel this way, i have little doubt that i would be uncomfortable in the situation. i’m not sure i would be Judas, the tattle-tale (after all, i don’t like making waves), but i guarantee i would react pretty similarly to the other guests in the house.

muttering things under my breath.
rolling my eyes.
veiling my insecurities and discomfort with the impotent guise of caring for the poor.

it makes me wonder how often we champion for “causes that break the heart of Jesus" completely apart from intimate connection and love for the very One whose heart so cerebrally concerns us. what are our motives?

and yet, He died for all of us. for the woman. for the guests. for Judas. even for me.

so, where do we put ourselves in this story?
not just the week before Easter, but every day?

is it our hearts that are close to Jesus?
or our mouths?

"These people honor me with their lips,
but their hearts are far from me.
They worship me in vain;
their teachings are but rules taught by men."

rethinking the Gospel.
rethinking our hearts.
rethinking our love for the Savior.
thank You for grace.

Passion Week :: Tuesday - The Gospel According to Shel Silverstein

"but the boy stayed away for a long time...
and the tree was sad.
and then one day, the boy came back
and the tree shook with joy and she said,
"come, boy, climb up my trunk and swing
from my branches and be happy."
"i am too busy to climb trees, i want a house
to keep me warm," he said...
"i have no house," said the tree..."but you may
cut off my branches and build a house.
then you will be happy."
and so the boy cut off her branches and carried
them away to build his house.

and the tree was happy."

- The Giving Tree, Shel Silverstein

what does Shel Silverstein have to do with Easter?

i don't know about you, but i can't read "The Giving Tree" without thinking about Jesus. the tree loves her boy so much that she gives and gives and gives until there's nothing left. she gives her all. she sacrifices all she is for the well-being of this boy she loves. never does she deny him. never does she bat an eye at giving everything.

giving...
everything...
for the boy she loves.

""Abraham!"
"yes, i'm listening."
"take your dear son Isaac whom you love and go to the land of Moriah.
Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the
mountains that I'll point out to you."
Abraham got up early in the morning and saddled his donkey.
He took two of his young servants and his son, Isaac...
He set out for the place God had directed him."
Genesis 22:1-3

giving...
everything a father could...
for his Father.

"sitting across from the offering box,
He was observing how the crowd tossed money in for the collection.
many of the rich were making large contributions.
one poor widow came up and put in two small coins -
a measly two cents.
Jesus called His disciples over and said,
"the truth is that this poor widow gave more to the collection
than all the others put together. all the others gave what
they'll never miss; she gave extravagantly what she couldn't afford -
she gave her all."

Mark 12:41-44 (the tuesday of passion week)

giving...
everything she couldn't afford...
for something she could never earn.

"I am the Good Shepherd.
The Good Shepherd puts the sheep before himself,
sacrifices himself if necessary...
I freely lay down my life...
no one takes it from Me.
I lay it down of My own free will." (John 10)

"when they got to the place called skull hill,
they crucified Him, along with the criminals...
Jesus prayed,
"Father, forgive them; they don't know what they're doing." (Luke 23)

"at noon, the sky became extremely dark...
at three o'clock, Jesus groaned out of the depths, crying loudly,
..."My God, My God, why have You abandoned me?!"
...but Jesus, with a loud cry, gave his last breath..." (Mark 15)

God...
giving...
every thing...
we could never afford...
for something we could never earn.

us...
gaining everything...
and giving...
what?

a couple things?
a few things?
some things?

rethinking the gospel.
rethinking our response.
thank You.

Passion Week :: Monday

this year, i'd actually like to give a crap about easter and think through it a bit more than usual...so i'm attempting to write a bit each day this week. i want to work on putting myself in the shoes of those involved in the life, story, death, and life-again of Jesus. so, here we go...

____________

we've been working through the ten commandments in house church. last night we were due for "do not murder"...a cheery topic that welcomed a surprisingly low number of volunteers to lead. i decided to go for it...

as i began to look at murder, i wanted to focus on how Jesus defined it. (Matt. 5:21-22)

when you boil it down, murder starts in the heart. simply put:
- not violence, but self-seeking violence
- not anger, but selfish anger without real cause
- a consequence of frustrated desire

last night, we talked through things that stir up these feelings in our own hearts:
- someone who gets in our way or inconveniences us
- someone self-righteous - thinks they're always right or better
- someone who doesn't follow the rules
- someone who descents
- someone who disagrees with our opinion of what's best
- someone who steers another wrong
- someone who thinks they know everything
- someone who wants all the attention
- someone who pretends to be someone they're not
- someone who corrects us, or has no respect

NOW...

think about these things again...


isn't this exactly how the Jews felt about Jesus?

is this not why they put him to death?


so then...if these feelings are so familiar to us...


what if we were in their shoes?

are we not like them?

would we have put Him on the cross?



the thing is...


we did.




rethinking the gospel.
rethinking grace.
thank You.

a strange exchange...

yesterday morning, i stumbled out of my house, half asleep, to embark on my morning walk. it wasn't until 15 minutes into my walk that i managed to mumble a "oh...hey, God...morning..."

i attempted to pray, but i really didn't feel like it, i'm tired of it...so i trailed off into mental introversion, once again.

and then, out of nowhere, this thing fell out of my mouth...

"how are you, God?"

what?? i just asked God how He's doing. not normal.

but i started thinking about it...

i realized that i'm sick of praying. i'm sick of talking about myself and my stuff...

really...it's not all that surprising. when i'm in relationship with someone, i'm not interested in listening to myself talk the whole time...and when i hear from them, i'm not interested in hearing only what they think of me.

but isn't that what we do to God? we either talk at Him about our stuff OR we listen expecting to hear what He thinks about us and has to say to us about our stuff. but do we ever listen just to hear His heart?

when i spend time with those i care about, the most important thing to me is hearing their heart, hearing about how they're doing and where they're at...to know them.

why would it be any different with this relationship?

simple but profound for me. our Father wants to be known by us, just as we want to be known by Him.

So...God...Creator of the Universe, Savior, Lord, Redeemer...how are You today? I wanna hear Your heart. I'm listening.

and such WERE some of you...

is it possible that in trying to figure out who i am, i've forgotten who i really am?

"It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a FREE life...use your freedom to serve one another, that's how freedom grows.

...My counsel is this: live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit. Then you won't feel the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a root of sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. These two ways of life are antithetical, so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day. Why don't you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence?

It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied-wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.

...But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard--things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find oursevles involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.

Legalism is HELPLESS in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good--crucified!

Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original."

- the apostle Paul in Galatians 5 (MSG)

Word.

ignorance ain't bliss and grace ain't cheap...

so, last night at church, the speaker was laying groundwork for the easter story.

he was talking about what the cross meant to the Jews. among other things, it meant freedom from temple sacrifice. to us, this doesn't mean a whole lot...but to them...

imagine...every time they sinned or messed up, it was like "dang it, gotta go get another animal, drag it to the temple and make a sacrifice." chances are, you'd probably sin again before you even got home! so back you went to stand in line, once again...get another animal...

over and over and over for thousands of years, this is how they atoned for all of their sins...ALL the rules they had to abide by (i.e. Leviticus), ALL the times they fell short of God's holy standard...

and then, the day comes when ONE man makes ONE sacrifice that means you NEVER have to make a temple sacrifice EVER again.

what would you be feeling? how much joy? how much relief? how much gratitude? just because of that ONE simple aspect?

we live under the new covenant...always have...we have NO idea what this was like...and for that and many other reasons, we fall so short in gratitude and understanding EVERYthing we've been saved from.

do we even understand the concept of sacrifice? whether it was Jesus' sacrifice or sacrifice He asks of us? do we?

do we understand grace? atonement?

i think this easter, it would be pretty darn cool to try to experience easter through the eyes of the ancient Jews.

how would it change our lives?

i think it would be appropriate to end with these words of Paul...a man who understood exactly what all of this meant...

"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you:
Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping,
eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life -
and place it before God as an offering. Embracing
what God does for you is the best thing you can do
for Him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your
culture that you fit into it without even thinking.
Instead, fix your attention on God. you'll be
changed from the inside out. Readily recognize
what he wants from you, and quickly resond to it.
Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you
down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best
out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."

Romans 12:1-2 (MSG)


i wish i never took grace for granted. i do. but i wish i didn't.

let me introduce you to my supporting cast...

in the search for improved mental, emotional and physical health, i am trying my hands (and feet!) at daily morning exercise. NOT easy for this girl...but i'm DOING IT! getting out of the house to jog/walk has been more beneficial than i bargained (or hoped) for. in part, because i have encountered a new and regular host of characters who enhance each and every morning...

and i would love to introduce you to them.

first we have big-guy-with-little-dogs. parading through the neighborhood in his sleeveless t-shirts, big-guy-with-little-dogs proudly leads his three pristinely white toy poodles on their daily walk. each of his puffy little princesses dawns her own color-coded wide, satin collar and leash. hold your head high, big-guy-with-little-dogs!

then we have rosary lady. walking swiftly, clutching her blue rosary and visibly muttering her "hail marys." each step is one closer to justification.

and ohhhhhh three-old-asian-ladies-on-a-bench, how i love thee. squeezing themselves onto a bench built for two, they clutch their walkers and hold their heads up to peer at each other from under their extraordinary large sun visors as they furiously gossip in their particular asian language about each of the passersby. considering how long it took them to walk-er their way to that bench in the middle of the park, they are perfectly content to sit there until their sun visors long past needed.

then we have shuffly-turban guy. a sweet, old indian man who makes his way around the park each morning. with his pants far too short and his turban far too orange, we mutter a happy "good morning" to each other as we pass.

saving the best for last, we have my favorite...really-old-guy-with-really-old-dogs. i've seen him walking his dogs in my neighborhood for a couple of years now. his two small terriers are soulmates in canine form. their dog years match his human years. they hobble at the same speed...taking the same length of time to mount curbs, round corners and smell the roses; expending more energy than they have and pausing to wait for their second or seventeeth wind. their speed maxes out at one hesitant foot in front of the other. they are quite the threesome...always the same speed, always together, never leaving another behind.

really-old-guy-with-really-old-dogs has earned a special place in my heart, and each day i earn a "hello" or a smile (consisting of one upturned mouth corner), i consider it victory. he brings a certain joy to my life, he does. one of these days, i want to sit on a bench next to him, ask him the names of his two faithful companions and maybe hear a few stories from his long and no doubt interesting life.

these characters are the mile-markers in my mornings. they make an unhappy task more like a treasure hunt. they make something foreign feel comfortable. as much as they are strangers, they are becoming familiar community to me...and it feels good.

there's a world so much bigger than the one i live in...and it exists right within my neighborhood.

who knew?

immortality in the everyday

i've been meaning to write this blog for a few weeks now, but i'm just now getting a chance to do so. thank you, president's day!

i've really been bothered over the last year or so at how easily frustrated i get with others. if someone drives poorly or drops a door on me or if a friend does something "i" disapprove of, i get annoyed and subsequently mock/slander them under my breath/in my mind.

as i have noticed this tendency in myself, i have also noted how pervasive this is in our culture (and our Christianity) and the way we generally treat people.

people are no longer people. they are obstacles. they are inconveniences. it doesn't matter WHO they are, it matters how they are affecting ME.

it reminds me of C.S. Lewis in The Weight of Glory:

"It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you may talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship…It is in light of these overwhelming possibilities that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never met a mere mortal...it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit--immortal horrors or everlasting splendours."

how often do we look at people this way? as amazing immortal beings created in the image of God and loved deeply by Him? as people Jesus gave His life for?

why is it that we boil people down to their mistakes and shortcomings?

perhaps someone has a horrible day and has a lot on their mind...so they are consequently slow to push the gas pedal right when the light turns green. do we give grace for something we may not understand, or do we impatiently lay on the horn?

perhaps someone is socially awkward and freaks us out a bit. do we have compassion on them, understanding that they may be a victim of genetics or a hurtful childhood, or do we withdraw from them because they make us uncomfortable or we're afraid to be seen as their "friend?"

perhaps someone bumps into you and almost knocks you over. do we give them the benefit of the doubt, or do we roll our eyes at them and mutter "jerk" under our breath?

if we saw people for who they REALLY are and exactly WHO they were created to be, would we treat them the same way? would we live as if we were somehow entitled or to be regarded as more important than everyone else?

are we really that self-centered and self-absorbed? who is the center of our universe?

i'm tired of being this way. let's stop minimizing people and start magnifying them and the Lord by the way we treat them. let's be quicker to give grace and extend compassion than we are to be annoyed or mutter an unkind word. let's give others the benefit of the doubt and try putting ourselves in their shoes. there's often a reason why people do what they do...and if there's not...well then, it's a mistake. we all make them.

we all have our own hurts and hardships. do we think we're alone in this? sure, there are some truly unkind people in the world with foul intentions, but even they are that way for a reason. there was something in their life at some point that turned their heart cold...they too have a battle to fight. as Eldredge said once in a book of his, "We are ALL in a battle for our hearts."

WE are the ones who create defensiveness in others. our words and attitudes have the power to make or break the state of someone's heart. we are more powerful than we realize.

love God. love your neighbor. the two greatest commandments.
you are no mere mortal...and neither is your neighbor.

excuse me, have you seen my conviction?

for my first rant, i'm choosing an ever-so-gentle topic...

sin.

i realized the other day that i am no longer really impacted by the weight of my sin. i know i'm a sinner, i know i break God's heart, i know i am broken and need saving, but that's the problem...i KNOW it...in my head, not my heart. my heart just shrugs it off. and it bothers me...

so i started thinking about why...

a funny thing has happened as i've aged. formerly, my worldview existed in shades of black and white. things were simple. things were worth arguing for and standing up for.

as i got older, my blacks and whites starting melting into various shades of gray. i started to think in terms of "both/and" rather than "either/or." i realized that the only real black and white reality is the reality of who God is and what He has done....His character and His love. the grayness has grown with my increasing awareness of brokenness, perspectives, experiences, pain and compassion. and in a funny way, i think "black and white" requires less grace....less humanity...less love. black and white makes things about approval. our gray magnifies God's love...and His love is more pronounced in our mess. Love IS messy.

i've learned to be comfortable in the mess. it's more true to who i am, rather than the role i have so long played.

so, what does this have to do with sin?

well, over the years, i have learned and realized that sin is sin in the eyes of God...brokenness is brokenness... there is no "degree" of sin that God measures...rather it is the simple fact shared across the board that no matter the trespass, we are breaking the heart of the God who loves us so much. we are driving a wedge...and a nail.

much of my perspective change has been healthy, but i realized this week that it has had an unhealthy trickle-down effect in my life...an unintended internal result.

as messy Christians, we try to emphasize the fact that "sin is sin", so as to not vilify people, and to recognize that no matter the sinner or the sin, we are ALL broken people separated from a Father who longs so deeply for connection with us.

but is there potential danger in this emphasis? in making everything equal, are we actually diminishing the gravity of these things in our own hearts?

stay with me here....

i think that, in my mind and heart, because i know that sin is sin, no matter how big or small, sin has actually become downplayed. does that make sense?

whereas i used to be struck by how broken and fallen and sinful i am...now, all of my sin feels small. insignificant. i am no pained by all of the ways i hurt the heart of my Father on a regular basis.

so, while i like my messy understanding of the world and the love of Christ...i secretly miss and long for part of my "black and white" self to be revived. i want to be struck by my own brokenness and to fall on my face, recognizing my need for my Father...rather than just shrugging it all off like it's no big deal.

and this applies to more than just the "sin and brokenness" issue.

we exist in mess, our own mess, and the way God loves us in our mess. but i don't want my mess...the grayness...to diminish my passion, my willingness to stand up for things and my desire to be transformed by the love of Christ. i want to have zeal for things, to be extreme, passionate! not an apathetic shoulder-shrugger.

the problem is...it's already happened.

i don't think "grayness" and "mess" are necessarily accompanied by apathy...but that seems to be the case for me. so...how do you recover part of what was lost without forgetting what you've learned? i'm really not sure.

and that's really all i have to say.

in the beginning...

i remember the last day of school in 5th grade.

finally...freedom from elementary school! my teacher passed out our yearbooks and we eagerly flipped through them. the pages were filled with pictures from 5th grade camp and references to New Kids on the Block (who, by that time, were "soooo lame"). on one of the pages, i found an unexpected picture of myself...

it was a picture of me at camp, looking up and smiling in the midst of taking a drink from a natural spring. it struck me that underneath my picture, my teacher placed the caption, "the writer." i thought, "huh? why'd she put that? me?" i didn't get it.

i've never thought i was an amazing writer...but over the years, i've realized that writing is therapeutic for me. for a person whose thoughts run a million miles per minute, writing is one of the only ways i'm able to slow down and process my thoughts and heart. according to my boss, it's THIS that makes me a writer, not whatever skill i may or may not possess.

somehow, my teacher in 5th grade saw something in me that i couldn't see.

however, it's precisely my need to write that makes it so hard for me to write. writing means that i'm forced to sit down, process what's going on in my heart and spend time with my Father. and sometimes, i just really don't want to do that. it's easier to be numb and apathetic and ignore my heart.

that's where i've been at lately. my journal is gathering dust and my heart is imploding.

my job in youth ministry has given me plenty of writing opportunities, but the thing is, those opportunities aren't the sort of "writing" that feels life-giving to me. they have drained me and feel like chores. curriculum, newsletters, devotional books, and the like, do not feel like healthy, life-giving outlets to me. i think these things have stunted my desire to write in a serious way.

i think i've realized that i am a ranter. i write to process. i write to challenge others. i write to express frustration. i write to ask hard questions. that's the sort of writing that brings life.

and that's why i'm beginning this...yet another...blog. in an attempt to get myself writing again. because i'm in a stage of life where i am yearning and longing to learn and discover who i am, what i'm passionate about and who/how Jesus made me. it's overdue.

so, i'm hoping this thing will be a stimulus for me. i guess we'll see...