excuse me, have you seen my conviction?

for my first rant, i'm choosing an ever-so-gentle topic...

sin.

i realized the other day that i am no longer really impacted by the weight of my sin. i know i'm a sinner, i know i break God's heart, i know i am broken and need saving, but that's the problem...i KNOW it...in my head, not my heart. my heart just shrugs it off. and it bothers me...

so i started thinking about why...

a funny thing has happened as i've aged. formerly, my worldview existed in shades of black and white. things were simple. things were worth arguing for and standing up for.

as i got older, my blacks and whites starting melting into various shades of gray. i started to think in terms of "both/and" rather than "either/or." i realized that the only real black and white reality is the reality of who God is and what He has done....His character and His love. the grayness has grown with my increasing awareness of brokenness, perspectives, experiences, pain and compassion. and in a funny way, i think "black and white" requires less grace....less humanity...less love. black and white makes things about approval. our gray magnifies God's love...and His love is more pronounced in our mess. Love IS messy.

i've learned to be comfortable in the mess. it's more true to who i am, rather than the role i have so long played.

so, what does this have to do with sin?

well, over the years, i have learned and realized that sin is sin in the eyes of God...brokenness is brokenness... there is no "degree" of sin that God measures...rather it is the simple fact shared across the board that no matter the trespass, we are breaking the heart of the God who loves us so much. we are driving a wedge...and a nail.

much of my perspective change has been healthy, but i realized this week that it has had an unhealthy trickle-down effect in my life...an unintended internal result.

as messy Christians, we try to emphasize the fact that "sin is sin", so as to not vilify people, and to recognize that no matter the sinner or the sin, we are ALL broken people separated from a Father who longs so deeply for connection with us.

but is there potential danger in this emphasis? in making everything equal, are we actually diminishing the gravity of these things in our own hearts?

stay with me here....

i think that, in my mind and heart, because i know that sin is sin, no matter how big or small, sin has actually become downplayed. does that make sense?

whereas i used to be struck by how broken and fallen and sinful i am...now, all of my sin feels small. insignificant. i am no pained by all of the ways i hurt the heart of my Father on a regular basis.

so, while i like my messy understanding of the world and the love of Christ...i secretly miss and long for part of my "black and white" self to be revived. i want to be struck by my own brokenness and to fall on my face, recognizing my need for my Father...rather than just shrugging it all off like it's no big deal.

and this applies to more than just the "sin and brokenness" issue.

we exist in mess, our own mess, and the way God loves us in our mess. but i don't want my mess...the grayness...to diminish my passion, my willingness to stand up for things and my desire to be transformed by the love of Christ. i want to have zeal for things, to be extreme, passionate! not an apathetic shoulder-shrugger.

the problem is...it's already happened.

i don't think "grayness" and "mess" are necessarily accompanied by apathy...but that seems to be the case for me. so...how do you recover part of what was lost without forgetting what you've learned? i'm really not sure.

and that's really all i have to say.

in the beginning...

i remember the last day of school in 5th grade.

finally...freedom from elementary school! my teacher passed out our yearbooks and we eagerly flipped through them. the pages were filled with pictures from 5th grade camp and references to New Kids on the Block (who, by that time, were "soooo lame"). on one of the pages, i found an unexpected picture of myself...

it was a picture of me at camp, looking up and smiling in the midst of taking a drink from a natural spring. it struck me that underneath my picture, my teacher placed the caption, "the writer." i thought, "huh? why'd she put that? me?" i didn't get it.

i've never thought i was an amazing writer...but over the years, i've realized that writing is therapeutic for me. for a person whose thoughts run a million miles per minute, writing is one of the only ways i'm able to slow down and process my thoughts and heart. according to my boss, it's THIS that makes me a writer, not whatever skill i may or may not possess.

somehow, my teacher in 5th grade saw something in me that i couldn't see.

however, it's precisely my need to write that makes it so hard for me to write. writing means that i'm forced to sit down, process what's going on in my heart and spend time with my Father. and sometimes, i just really don't want to do that. it's easier to be numb and apathetic and ignore my heart.

that's where i've been at lately. my journal is gathering dust and my heart is imploding.

my job in youth ministry has given me plenty of writing opportunities, but the thing is, those opportunities aren't the sort of "writing" that feels life-giving to me. they have drained me and feel like chores. curriculum, newsletters, devotional books, and the like, do not feel like healthy, life-giving outlets to me. i think these things have stunted my desire to write in a serious way.

i think i've realized that i am a ranter. i write to process. i write to challenge others. i write to express frustration. i write to ask hard questions. that's the sort of writing that brings life.

and that's why i'm beginning this...yet another...blog. in an attempt to get myself writing again. because i'm in a stage of life where i am yearning and longing to learn and discover who i am, what i'm passionate about and who/how Jesus made me. it's overdue.

so, i'm hoping this thing will be a stimulus for me. i guess we'll see...