Passion Week :: Saturday

interesting...nothing is said in scripture about the saturday between Good Friday and Easter. it only says that the women rested on the sabbath as they were supposed to.

so, what happened on saturday?
the jews thought they'd killed off a threat :: relief, success, victory...
the disciples saw their hope die on a cross :: confusion, discouragement, frustration, sadness...
and what about Jesus? was He just dead and buried? did He literally go to hell and back?

one thing is certain...for those who witnessed and heard about the crucifixion,
saturday, the sabbath, was a day to be alone with their thoughts.
it's crazy to imagine what went through their heads.

what about us? where are we at on this saturday?

to be honest, i'm in a pretty strange place.

i really wanted to reflect this holy week,
to examine my heart,
to experience the death and resurrection of Jesus in a personal, emotional way.

such has not been the case.
i left Good Friday service last night feeling conflicted, left out, lost, sad, frustrated, calloused.

as this week unfolded, instead of my heart becoming more soft,
it has seemingly become more cold, more divided.

the more i try to wrap my mind around what Jesus did for us and who He was...
the harder time i'm having with the concept of Jesus being a real person.
every picture we have of him, whether in still or motion, has fallen short.
he is either too serious, too silly, too intense, too laughable...and altogether unbelievable.
as a visual person, i feel like i need an image of Him in my mind and heart,
but i'm drawing a blank.

i just can't imagine what Jesus, considering all of who He was, was really like.
i know He was real...but He doesn't feel like He could have been real.

what would i have thought about Him if i had beheld Him in person?

i hate that my heart feels divided and distant this Easter.
i wish i knew why.
i wish i could fix it.
i wish i could have felt tears on my cheeks and contrition in my heart
like so many at the service last night...
but i didn't.

i don't know why.
i wish i did.
but the beautiful thing is,
i don't have to.

because, regardless of where my heart is at,
Jesus still died for me.
and that covers everything.

even my calloused heart.

falling short every time...
gives me more reason to be thankful,
rather than less.

rethinking brokenness.
wanting to reexperience Jesus.
thank You for your sacrifice.
thank You for this saturday to be alone with our thoughts.
thank You for going to hell and back.

it is finished.

thank You.