a story about moving on...

you know, it's funny...we never hear from the Lord the way we expect to.

i've been praying for about 2-3 years now about my job. should i stay? should i go? am i just burned out? is my heart moving on? i've asked the Lord more questions that i can count...and He has been silent.

all of the voices in your life can share their opinions, but none of it feels right until you hear from the Lord. about a month ago, i decided to let it go. just focus on spending time with Him, rather than looking for answers.

and still He was silent...
until last Wednesday.

here's the story:

on my morning walk, i passed a woman walking her dog who said a friendly, "Good Morning!" to me. without thinking, i responded "Good Morning! How are you?" and we exchanged a few more pleasantries.

simple enough...but i'm not normally so outgoing with strangers. i'm not so good at taking risks, period, whether social or otherwise. and so, these simple events led me down a train of thought which resulted in some pretty big revelations from the Lord.

i started thinking about the fact that i never take risks anymore. i never put myself in situations where i hear the Lord asking me to do something and i'm faced with a choice to step out in faith and trust Him. in fact, i don't really have to trust the Lord for much of anything these days! my life is pretty safe and easy.

ew. safe? easy? not words i like!
they're akin to "complacent" "status quo" "mediocre" "lukewarm" "stuck."

yup...stuck. that's exactly how i've felt for a long while now...
i hate being safe and complacent.
that's not how i grow and learn. i grow from being challenged.

i was utterly irritated at the realization and so i shouted to the Lord...

"I DON'T WANT TO LIVE SAFE ANYMORE!!!"
and then i began to cry and said,
"but i'm scared of what that means!"

(two contrasting feelings, accompanied by tears and a great sense of peace and purpose. yup...sounds like Jesus.)

i think a big part of the recent distance i feel from the Lord is my lack of need to trust Him. life is pretty routine, easy...and so i struggle with faithlessness, dissatisfaction.

then i realized...
probably the biggest "safe" area in my life is my job.

i've thought about moving on for awhile, but i've been too afraid to take the risk and make a change. and so i sit...in my dissatisfaction...i sit. and i wonder why my heart is imploding...

what did Jesus say to His disciples? He told them to leave everything and "follow Him." He asks us to lay down our security and follow Him...for GOOD reason! HE wants to provide our security!! He wants us to learn to trust HIM...not ourselves!

we make ourselves SO busy trying to make sure our ducks are in a row and that we're taken care of. it's a cultural disease...WE go crazy trying to take care of ourselves. where is Jesus in that?

i'm SICK of living that way!

so, the risky option before me was to resign from my safe job and put myself in a position (unemployed in this horrific economy) where I HAVE to trust the Lord each day.

it felt scary to me...but if felt SO much better and more ME.

i have been afraid to "run away" from ministry...i wanted to have a job to "run to." but my mistake was this...i thought this whole process was about my job. it's not. it's about my way of life! it's about my relationship with Jesus.

i think Jesus cares a lot less about what we "do" and a lot more about our dependence on Him.

so, this whole process hasn't been about finding my calling after all...it's been about learning to trust again. and lean. and depend.

like i said...God never speaks the way we expect Him to, but i think He does that so we KNOW when it's Him.

i KNOW i heard the Lord. i have been hungry to hear for so long...and nothing feels better.

so what's it all mean?

it means that as of May 15th, i am leaving my position with Southern California Youth For Christ. i have been with YFC for eight years, and it's been a good run...but it's time for something new. at least for now.

i would seriously love all of your prayers as i begin this crazy journey. closing things up. embracing unemployment. seeking the Lord's face. and waiting to hear from Him.

i don't know what's next...
and I LOVE IT!

:)

Easter Sunday :: The Day Worth Waiting For...

this is the day.

this is the point.

everything made new.

the beginning of restoring God's creation back to its intended state.

i love that after Jesus rose from the dead
He appeared personally to all of those He was closest to.

i think this was for two reasons:
1) to let them know He was alive and fulfilled what His promise.
2) to let them know the message of the kingdom was now theirs to carry.

to show His love for them and to comission them...to pass the torch.

this day is so full of beauty.
all hope fulfilled.
all love expressed.
all sin erased.
all life made new.
all truth entrusted to us.

it's a day the Father showed us how much He wants to pour into us
and how much He wants to do through us.

we are brand new each day.
we are loved beyond belief.
we are entrusted with the most important message ever known.

may we wake up every day knowing these things,
believing them,
and living them.

not just today.
but every day.

we have the opportunity to celebrate Easter in the way we
love Jesus and love others every day of our lives.

re-thinking the Gospel.
re-grasping grace.
re-absorbing love.
re-realizing our call.
re-volutionizing the world.

thank You...

THANK YOU.

Passion Week :: Saturday

interesting...nothing is said in scripture about the saturday between Good Friday and Easter. it only says that the women rested on the sabbath as they were supposed to.

so, what happened on saturday?
the jews thought they'd killed off a threat :: relief, success, victory...
the disciples saw their hope die on a cross :: confusion, discouragement, frustration, sadness...
and what about Jesus? was He just dead and buried? did He literally go to hell and back?

one thing is certain...for those who witnessed and heard about the crucifixion,
saturday, the sabbath, was a day to be alone with their thoughts.
it's crazy to imagine what went through their heads.

what about us? where are we at on this saturday?

to be honest, i'm in a pretty strange place.

i really wanted to reflect this holy week,
to examine my heart,
to experience the death and resurrection of Jesus in a personal, emotional way.

such has not been the case.
i left Good Friday service last night feeling conflicted, left out, lost, sad, frustrated, calloused.

as this week unfolded, instead of my heart becoming more soft,
it has seemingly become more cold, more divided.

the more i try to wrap my mind around what Jesus did for us and who He was...
the harder time i'm having with the concept of Jesus being a real person.
every picture we have of him, whether in still or motion, has fallen short.
he is either too serious, too silly, too intense, too laughable...and altogether unbelievable.
as a visual person, i feel like i need an image of Him in my mind and heart,
but i'm drawing a blank.

i just can't imagine what Jesus, considering all of who He was, was really like.
i know He was real...but He doesn't feel like He could have been real.

what would i have thought about Him if i had beheld Him in person?

i hate that my heart feels divided and distant this Easter.
i wish i knew why.
i wish i could fix it.
i wish i could have felt tears on my cheeks and contrition in my heart
like so many at the service last night...
but i didn't.

i don't know why.
i wish i did.
but the beautiful thing is,
i don't have to.

because, regardless of where my heart is at,
Jesus still died for me.
and that covers everything.

even my calloused heart.

falling short every time...
gives me more reason to be thankful,
rather than less.

rethinking brokenness.
wanting to reexperience Jesus.
thank You for your sacrifice.
thank You for this saturday to be alone with our thoughts.
thank You for going to hell and back.

it is finished.

thank You.

Passion Week :: Good Friday

on this friday, we see Jesus put on a cross.
accusations hurled at Him, He says nothing.

when i think of Jesus on the cross, i think of Him as God.
but this is the day we should most be aware of His humanity.
they say 100% God, 100% man.

was He at war within Himself?
was His whole being surrendered to the Father?
what thoughts entered His head?

we saw Him, tormented in the garden. He asked His Father
to take this cup from Him, and then, conversely, surrenders His will.

we can imagine Him taking on this task as God...
but what about as a man?

putting myself in His shoes...
having insults hurled at me...
accusations i was innocent of...
being found guilty of everyone else's sin but my own...

i can't imagine resisting the urge to defend myself.
resisting the urge to set the record straight.
resisting the urge to point the finger at everyone else!

i am tempted to defend myself daily...
and i give in. i point the finger at others.
in the smallest, most insignificant situations.
i can't imagine the temptation on that friday.

can we imagine putting those who hate us
before ourselves in that situation?

they tempted Him...

"Save yourself! If you're really God's Son,
come down from that cross!"
...We'll ALL become believers then!"

and He could have.
He could have chosen "now" over "eternal"
but He didn't.

"He was beaten, he was tortured, but he didn't say a word.
Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered and like a sheep being sheared,
he took it all in silence.
Justice miscarried, and he was led off—
and did anyone really know what was happening?
He died without a thought for his own welfare,
beaten bloody for the sins of my people.
They buried him with the wicked, threw him in a grave with a rich man,
Even though he'd never hurt a soul or said one word that wasn't true.

Out of that terrible travail of soul,
he'll see that it's worth it and be glad he did it.
Through what he experienced, my righteous one, my servant,
will make many "righteous ones,"
as he himself carries the burden of their sins.
Therefore I'll reward him extravagantly—
the best of everything, the highest honors—
Because he looked death in the face and didn't flinch,
because he embraced the company of the lowest.
He took on his own shoulders the sin of the many,
he took up the cause of all the black sheep."

our Savior is THE picture of a man, perfectly surrendered to His God.
it makes what He did for us all the more incredible.

i stand in awe.

"But Jesus, with a loud cry, gave his last breath...
When the Roman captain standing guard in front of Him
saw that He had quit breathing, he said,
"This has to be the Son of God!"

rethinking Good Friday.
rethinking the Gospel.
rethinking surrender.
rethinking His sacrifice.
thank You.

Passion Week :: Thursday

thursday was a big day. the last supper. garden of gethsemane. the capture and death sentence of Jesus.

imagine...being in HIS shoes...

"one of you is going to hand Me over to the conspirators,
one who at this moment is eating with Me."

"this is My body...this is My blood."

"this very night, you will deny Me three times..."

"He plunged into a sinkhole of agony. He told them, I feel bad
enough right now to die. Stay here and keep vigil with Me."

"Going a little ahead, He prayed for a way out: 'Papa, Father,
You can-can't You?-get Me out of this! Take this cup away from me.
But please, not what I want-what do You want?'"

"He came back and found them asleep...'Simon, you went to sleep
on me? Can't you stick it out with me a single hour?'"

"Judas...showed up, and with him a gang of ruffians...
brandishing swords and clubs....
he went straight to Jesus...
the others then grabbed Him and roughed Him up."

"all the disciples cut and ran..."

"they condemned Him, one and all. the sentence: death.
some of them started spitting at Him."

"Peter got really nervous and swore, "I never laid eyes on this man
you're talking about." Just then the rooster crowed a second time.
Peter remembered how Jesus had said, 'Before a rooster crows twice,
you'll deny me three times...'"

can you imagine?
despair.
loneliness.
betrayed.
abandoned by everyone He loved...
His followers.
His disciples.
His closest friends...
even His Father turned His eyes away...

completely alone in the world.
condemned to death.
heavy-laden.
the sheer weight of it all!
carrying the weight of the world's sin on his shoulders.

"He was looked down on and passed over,
a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.
One look at him and people turned away.
We looked down on him, thought he was scum.
But the fact is, it was our pains he carried—
our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.
We thought he brought it on himself,
that God was punishing him for his own failures.
But it was our sins that did that to him,
that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!
He took the punishment, and that made us whole.
Through his bruises we get healed.
We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost.
We've all done our own thing, gone our own way.
And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong,
on him, on him."

can you imagine?

it's been said that Jesus didn't die from physical wounds,
but of a broken heart.

i believe it.


not only did i spit on You,
turn away from You,
deny You,
and run from You...
but You bore my burden, on top of it all...

and You did...
because of the joy set before You...
because of Your love for Your creation...
for us.

rethinking the Gospel.
rethinking what You went through for us.
thank You.

Passion Week :: Wednesday

on wednesday of passion week, we find Jesus eating at Simon the Leper’s house. Mark 14.

a woman enters and pours a very expensive bottle of perfume on Jesus’ head. again, we see someone sacrificing…giving everything she had. it was likely the most valuable thing she owned.

an act of love.
an act of adoration.
an act of intimacy.

some of the guests were enraged. what a waste! that perfume could fetch a year’s worth of wages for the poor!

Jesus rebukes them and edifies the woman for her wonderful act of love.

this was the final straw for Judas. he couldn’t take this guy anymore. he marched right over to the priests to betray the One who loved him most.


AND SO…where do we find ourselves on this wednesday of passion week?

to be honest, i have a hard time imagining myself this intimate with Jesus. the thought of it makes me uncomfortable. i feel the same way about another story...the woman who wiped her tears from Jesus’ feet with her hair.

regardless of why i feel this way, i have little doubt that i would be uncomfortable in the situation. i’m not sure i would be Judas, the tattle-tale (after all, i don’t like making waves), but i guarantee i would react pretty similarly to the other guests in the house.

muttering things under my breath.
rolling my eyes.
veiling my insecurities and discomfort with the impotent guise of caring for the poor.

it makes me wonder how often we champion for “causes that break the heart of Jesus" completely apart from intimate connection and love for the very One whose heart so cerebrally concerns us. what are our motives?

and yet, He died for all of us. for the woman. for the guests. for Judas. even for me.

so, where do we put ourselves in this story?
not just the week before Easter, but every day?

is it our hearts that are close to Jesus?
or our mouths?

"These people honor me with their lips,
but their hearts are far from me.
They worship me in vain;
their teachings are but rules taught by men."

rethinking the Gospel.
rethinking our hearts.
rethinking our love for the Savior.
thank You for grace.

Passion Week :: Tuesday - The Gospel According to Shel Silverstein

"but the boy stayed away for a long time...
and the tree was sad.
and then one day, the boy came back
and the tree shook with joy and she said,
"come, boy, climb up my trunk and swing
from my branches and be happy."
"i am too busy to climb trees, i want a house
to keep me warm," he said...
"i have no house," said the tree..."but you may
cut off my branches and build a house.
then you will be happy."
and so the boy cut off her branches and carried
them away to build his house.

and the tree was happy."

- The Giving Tree, Shel Silverstein

what does Shel Silverstein have to do with Easter?

i don't know about you, but i can't read "The Giving Tree" without thinking about Jesus. the tree loves her boy so much that she gives and gives and gives until there's nothing left. she gives her all. she sacrifices all she is for the well-being of this boy she loves. never does she deny him. never does she bat an eye at giving everything.

giving...
everything...
for the boy she loves.

""Abraham!"
"yes, i'm listening."
"take your dear son Isaac whom you love and go to the land of Moriah.
Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the
mountains that I'll point out to you."
Abraham got up early in the morning and saddled his donkey.
He took two of his young servants and his son, Isaac...
He set out for the place God had directed him."
Genesis 22:1-3

giving...
everything a father could...
for his Father.

"sitting across from the offering box,
He was observing how the crowd tossed money in for the collection.
many of the rich were making large contributions.
one poor widow came up and put in two small coins -
a measly two cents.
Jesus called His disciples over and said,
"the truth is that this poor widow gave more to the collection
than all the others put together. all the others gave what
they'll never miss; she gave extravagantly what she couldn't afford -
she gave her all."

Mark 12:41-44 (the tuesday of passion week)

giving...
everything she couldn't afford...
for something she could never earn.

"I am the Good Shepherd.
The Good Shepherd puts the sheep before himself,
sacrifices himself if necessary...
I freely lay down my life...
no one takes it from Me.
I lay it down of My own free will." (John 10)

"when they got to the place called skull hill,
they crucified Him, along with the criminals...
Jesus prayed,
"Father, forgive them; they don't know what they're doing." (Luke 23)

"at noon, the sky became extremely dark...
at three o'clock, Jesus groaned out of the depths, crying loudly,
..."My God, My God, why have You abandoned me?!"
...but Jesus, with a loud cry, gave his last breath..." (Mark 15)

God...
giving...
every thing...
we could never afford...
for something we could never earn.

us...
gaining everything...
and giving...
what?

a couple things?
a few things?
some things?

rethinking the gospel.
rethinking our response.
thank You.

Passion Week :: Monday

this year, i'd actually like to give a crap about easter and think through it a bit more than usual...so i'm attempting to write a bit each day this week. i want to work on putting myself in the shoes of those involved in the life, story, death, and life-again of Jesus. so, here we go...

____________

we've been working through the ten commandments in house church. last night we were due for "do not murder"...a cheery topic that welcomed a surprisingly low number of volunteers to lead. i decided to go for it...

as i began to look at murder, i wanted to focus on how Jesus defined it. (Matt. 5:21-22)

when you boil it down, murder starts in the heart. simply put:
- not violence, but self-seeking violence
- not anger, but selfish anger without real cause
- a consequence of frustrated desire

last night, we talked through things that stir up these feelings in our own hearts:
- someone who gets in our way or inconveniences us
- someone self-righteous - thinks they're always right or better
- someone who doesn't follow the rules
- someone who descents
- someone who disagrees with our opinion of what's best
- someone who steers another wrong
- someone who thinks they know everything
- someone who wants all the attention
- someone who pretends to be someone they're not
- someone who corrects us, or has no respect

NOW...

think about these things again...


isn't this exactly how the Jews felt about Jesus?

is this not why they put him to death?


so then...if these feelings are so familiar to us...


what if we were in their shoes?

are we not like them?

would we have put Him on the cross?



the thing is...


we did.




rethinking the gospel.
rethinking grace.
thank You.

a strange exchange...

yesterday morning, i stumbled out of my house, half asleep, to embark on my morning walk. it wasn't until 15 minutes into my walk that i managed to mumble a "oh...hey, God...morning..."

i attempted to pray, but i really didn't feel like it, i'm tired of it...so i trailed off into mental introversion, once again.

and then, out of nowhere, this thing fell out of my mouth...

"how are you, God?"

what?? i just asked God how He's doing. not normal.

but i started thinking about it...

i realized that i'm sick of praying. i'm sick of talking about myself and my stuff...

really...it's not all that surprising. when i'm in relationship with someone, i'm not interested in listening to myself talk the whole time...and when i hear from them, i'm not interested in hearing only what they think of me.

but isn't that what we do to God? we either talk at Him about our stuff OR we listen expecting to hear what He thinks about us and has to say to us about our stuff. but do we ever listen just to hear His heart?

when i spend time with those i care about, the most important thing to me is hearing their heart, hearing about how they're doing and where they're at...to know them.

why would it be any different with this relationship?

simple but profound for me. our Father wants to be known by us, just as we want to be known by Him.

So...God...Creator of the Universe, Savior, Lord, Redeemer...how are You today? I wanna hear Your heart. I'm listening.