in the beginning...

i remember the last day of school in 5th grade.

finally...freedom from elementary school! my teacher passed out our yearbooks and we eagerly flipped through them. the pages were filled with pictures from 5th grade camp and references to New Kids on the Block (who, by that time, were "soooo lame"). on one of the pages, i found an unexpected picture of myself...

it was a picture of me at camp, looking up and smiling in the midst of taking a drink from a natural spring. it struck me that underneath my picture, my teacher placed the caption, "the writer." i thought, "huh? why'd she put that? me?" i didn't get it.

i've never thought i was an amazing writer...but over the years, i've realized that writing is therapeutic for me. for a person whose thoughts run a million miles per minute, writing is one of the only ways i'm able to slow down and process my thoughts and heart. according to my boss, it's THIS that makes me a writer, not whatever skill i may or may not possess.

somehow, my teacher in 5th grade saw something in me that i couldn't see.

however, it's precisely my need to write that makes it so hard for me to write. writing means that i'm forced to sit down, process what's going on in my heart and spend time with my Father. and sometimes, i just really don't want to do that. it's easier to be numb and apathetic and ignore my heart.

that's where i've been at lately. my journal is gathering dust and my heart is imploding.

my job in youth ministry has given me plenty of writing opportunities, but the thing is, those opportunities aren't the sort of "writing" that feels life-giving to me. they have drained me and feel like chores. curriculum, newsletters, devotional books, and the like, do not feel like healthy, life-giving outlets to me. i think these things have stunted my desire to write in a serious way.

i think i've realized that i am a ranter. i write to process. i write to challenge others. i write to express frustration. i write to ask hard questions. that's the sort of writing that brings life.

and that's why i'm beginning this...yet another...blog. in an attempt to get myself writing again. because i'm in a stage of life where i am yearning and longing to learn and discover who i am, what i'm passionate about and who/how Jesus made me. it's overdue.

so, i'm hoping this thing will be a stimulus for me. i guess we'll see...