hindsight is 20/20...

the other night in church, we were talking about forgiveness. i used to think forgiveness came easily to me, but in the last year, i've learned that i pretty much suck at forgiveness.

there are people and hurts in my life that i'm not sure i even know how to forgive (or want to...to be honest). it feels a long way off.

then we were singing a song about grace and i began thinking that i don't even know how to accept grace. i don't even know the words needed to describe how broken and messed up and confused and dismembered i feel. i don't know how to identify where i'm broken, where i sin, what needs to change. my heart and life just feel like a huge mess and i'm drowning in it.

then i began to think back to when i was younger. i've been warned not to long for my faith to be like it once was...because i look back so fondly on how i "used to" connect to and relate to the Lord.

everything felt neater and clearer then, i thought...more manageable.

and then it hit me...

ohhh....manageable.

that's an interesting word.

it dawned on me that in my younger faith, i used to be able to identify the weak and sinful parts of my life and where i needed help...which areas i needed Jesus to work on with me. i knew where i was okay and where i wasn't. everything had its place...which is great for someone with a nearly OCD brain. everything in its place...

and then i realized, that everything felt "manageable" because i was managing it. "I" was in control. "I" had things under control. I knew what went where and why and why I did what I did and didn't do what I didn't. It was a good, neat system...it's just that I was running it, not the Lord.

so here i am now...eight or so years later. i'm a mess. feeling far from God. feeling out of control. drowning in my weakness. angry. bitter. jaded. depressed. aimless. hopeless. lost.

yet part of me is beginning to wonder...

maybe this is what maturity looks like?

i feel like i'm farther from God, but maybe i'm actually getting closer to "getting it?"

this sucks. it's hard. i've never struggled so much in my life or been so broken and so close to quitting...

but maybe that's what happens when God finally gets a hold of you and teaches you how to die to self.

i'm not interested in the lesson or the process, but maybe in His grace, God's gonna do it anyway.

maybe it actually is what i've been praying for...

and the answer is pissing me off.

damnit.