a story about moving on...

you know, it's funny...we never hear from the Lord the way we expect to.

i've been praying for about 2-3 years now about my job. should i stay? should i go? am i just burned out? is my heart moving on? i've asked the Lord more questions that i can count...and He has been silent.

all of the voices in your life can share their opinions, but none of it feels right until you hear from the Lord. about a month ago, i decided to let it go. just focus on spending time with Him, rather than looking for answers.

and still He was silent...
until last Wednesday.

here's the story:

on my morning walk, i passed a woman walking her dog who said a friendly, "Good Morning!" to me. without thinking, i responded "Good Morning! How are you?" and we exchanged a few more pleasantries.

simple enough...but i'm not normally so outgoing with strangers. i'm not so good at taking risks, period, whether social or otherwise. and so, these simple events led me down a train of thought which resulted in some pretty big revelations from the Lord.

i started thinking about the fact that i never take risks anymore. i never put myself in situations where i hear the Lord asking me to do something and i'm faced with a choice to step out in faith and trust Him. in fact, i don't really have to trust the Lord for much of anything these days! my life is pretty safe and easy.

ew. safe? easy? not words i like!
they're akin to "complacent" "status quo" "mediocre" "lukewarm" "stuck."

yup...stuck. that's exactly how i've felt for a long while now...
i hate being safe and complacent.
that's not how i grow and learn. i grow from being challenged.

i was utterly irritated at the realization and so i shouted to the Lord...

"I DON'T WANT TO LIVE SAFE ANYMORE!!!"
and then i began to cry and said,
"but i'm scared of what that means!"

(two contrasting feelings, accompanied by tears and a great sense of peace and purpose. yup...sounds like Jesus.)

i think a big part of the recent distance i feel from the Lord is my lack of need to trust Him. life is pretty routine, easy...and so i struggle with faithlessness, dissatisfaction.

then i realized...
probably the biggest "safe" area in my life is my job.

i've thought about moving on for awhile, but i've been too afraid to take the risk and make a change. and so i sit...in my dissatisfaction...i sit. and i wonder why my heart is imploding...

what did Jesus say to His disciples? He told them to leave everything and "follow Him." He asks us to lay down our security and follow Him...for GOOD reason! HE wants to provide our security!! He wants us to learn to trust HIM...not ourselves!

we make ourselves SO busy trying to make sure our ducks are in a row and that we're taken care of. it's a cultural disease...WE go crazy trying to take care of ourselves. where is Jesus in that?

i'm SICK of living that way!

so, the risky option before me was to resign from my safe job and put myself in a position (unemployed in this horrific economy) where I HAVE to trust the Lord each day.

it felt scary to me...but if felt SO much better and more ME.

i have been afraid to "run away" from ministry...i wanted to have a job to "run to." but my mistake was this...i thought this whole process was about my job. it's not. it's about my way of life! it's about my relationship with Jesus.

i think Jesus cares a lot less about what we "do" and a lot more about our dependence on Him.

so, this whole process hasn't been about finding my calling after all...it's been about learning to trust again. and lean. and depend.

like i said...God never speaks the way we expect Him to, but i think He does that so we KNOW when it's Him.

i KNOW i heard the Lord. i have been hungry to hear for so long...and nothing feels better.

so what's it all mean?

it means that as of May 15th, i am leaving my position with Southern California Youth For Christ. i have been with YFC for eight years, and it's been a good run...but it's time for something new. at least for now.

i would seriously love all of your prayers as i begin this crazy journey. closing things up. embracing unemployment. seeking the Lord's face. and waiting to hear from Him.

i don't know what's next...
and I LOVE IT!

:)